Alias S02E03-12: I wish I could, but I don’t want to.

OK, so it has been a while, but I have a really, really good reason: I don’t actually give even the tiniest fuck about anything that happens in the first half of season 2. Also the end of the fall semester was tough and then my husband and I watched “Agent Carter” and then we finally got around to “Scandal” which took over my entire life and when you have actual good TV shows consuming your every waking thought it is way harder to go back to The Bristow Family Pout Hour with anything approaching enthusiasm.

I do, however – assuming I’m remembering things correctly – give a few fucks about the second half of season 2. So, with that in my mind I decided to just plow through the first half and get it all out of the way in 1 post. Full disclosure: I mostly accomplished this by letting it play in the background while I did a lot of unpacking and cleaning and organizing in the kitchen, so this is going to be a pretty high-level overview since there wasn’t a whole lot happening that was compelling enough to make me stop and actually watch for a minute.

S02E03-12 Recap

Let’s recap by character.


These episodes have Sark fighting Sydney, then teaming up with her to kill Sloane, then it turns out he was just tricking her to get to Sloane, and then he joins SD-6. I’m on board with all of this. The world just plain needs more Sark in it, and anything that teaches Sydney how bad she is at deciding who to trust is a plus for me.


There is so much whiny back-and-forth in these episodes that I just want to slap everybody. Sydney is willing to trust Irina’s intel because it has not been wrong yet and the more she gives them good stuff the more trustworthy she seems. Even Vaughn is on board with this plan, and maybe if a guy tells you he’s willing to trust the woman who killed his father that should lend his recommendation some weight. Jack is still really not over the whole thing, though, and as we’ve covered already Jack is actually the emotional mess of a parent that Sydney gets all her bad-choice-making from, so he just flips out every few minutes for like 9 episodes straight. At one point he frames Irina for trying to kill Sydney and Kendall pretty much immediately sentences her to death. That all gets resolved through a lot of Sydney running up to authority figures and whining but my daaaaaaaaad! or but my mommmmmmmm! which I’m sure happens all the time in the real world when the CIA is trying to have a terrorist executed.

There is some good stuff in the episodes where the 3 of them have to go on a mission together, though. They have to break into a base that Irina is intimately familiar with, so she is released to Jack’s custody and of course things go wrong and they end up fighting side-by-side and Irina earns a little bit of Jack’s trust. There’s a really good scene on a train where they’re passing a bottle of liquor back and forth and Jack starts reminiscing about the time he almost burnt the house down through drunk toast making and they laugh and it’s lovely and then Jack realizes what he’s doing and it gets awkward and Victor Garber is just wonderful, really.

This is literally the best thing that happens in this entire run of episodes, though:

Screen Shot 2015-05-04 at 12.22.30 PM


Sloane confides in Jack that he killed Emily to get into the Alliance and now it turns out someone got to Emily first and kept her alive, tried to blackmail him, and then killed her anyway. Faye Dunaway comes in as some sort of SD-whatever investigator to find the blackmailer. She goes after Jack and by extension Sydney for a few episodes but it turns out she was really the blackmailer. Except then it also turns out that it was really Sloane framing her and he never really killed Emily he just sent her off to an island somewhere. Then he goes to see some tech guy somewhere that he apparently hired months ago before all of this started to make him a special ring that blocks the tracking device the Alliance planted into his neck so that he can go be on the island with Emily.

So…if he had successfully “killed” Emily in the first place and he was already planning to get this special ring, then…what the fuck was that whole thing in the middle with Faye Dunaway? Why did he need to do any of that? This fucking show.


Anyways. These episodes are just overflowing with will they/won’t they tension! And mission objectives that could be mistaken for really bad flirting. (“When the mission is over, make sure you’re holding the gyroscope.”) Also at one point Vaughn almost dies from the bleeding fingernails disease you apparently catch from the red spinny ball thing. At one point Sydney tells Francie about this guy from work she has a crush on. “He smart and he’s funny and he’s so cute” and she’s 1/3 right. I hate these 2 right now, and I need them to start fucking so I can get on with my life.

I think that’s it?

Oh, no, wait. We also find out that Jack ran super secret mind control exercises on Sydney when she was 6 to basically ensure that she would grow up to be a superspy. The whole program that Jack designed for doing this to kids is what Irina was sent to steal from him. Sydney gets mad and pouts all over everything when she finds this out.

Also Marshall gets to go on a mission!

Yay-Boo Analysis



They’re on a mission in Siberia, where it’s so cold the ice will freeze over in 4 seconds if they fall through it, but Sydney’s in just a headband and Sark shows up with nothing on his head at all. Sydney spends something like a minute under water but is doing absolutely fine…until she comes this close to rescuing herself and then she’s suddenly blue and shivering and weak so that Dixon can save her.
I’m so stupid.” Yes, Sydney. Very good. Glad you’ve caught up to the rest of us.

Isn’t anesthesia dosed by weight? How could they know everyone in the operating room would pass out at exactly the same moment and no one would have a chance to send for help?

The last “soundtrack telling me what to feel” lyrics I need to hear over a Sydney-Vaughn scene are “Slumber, my darling/Thy mother is near.” I am so fucking over this show’s parent issues.

I’m definitely on Sydney’s side in the whole “Dude, seriously shut the fuck up about your girlfriend, I don’t even care how much you need to unburden your soul about this” scene tho.

Bristow family machine gun adventure!

Every scene with Irina in her cell is the best. She’s always coiled on the floor and there’s this sort of caged animal vibe to it.

Did Vaughn just not notice that Minimoose had disappeared? Is he actually surprised that Jack killed him?

I like the scene of Sydney rescuing Jack in the parking garage, even though it’s only there because JJ Abrams can’t do anything but rewrite old scenes he’s already written.


If Vaughn’s only move is to ask Sydney out literally every time they leave the country together, how did he ever get a girlfriend that lives in the same city as he does?

I don’t buy the “Faye Dunaway was this close to torturing Jack for the truth” scene one little bit. Jack went to SD-6 knowing he would likely be captured and questioned, and we know that Jack has a supply of something that counters the effects of Sodium Pentothal, so.

I like the “Marshall’s first mission” arc and how it completes the circle for creepy dentist from the pilot.

Total These Episodes: 6 Yays & 4 Boos.

Total So Far: 101 Yays & 87 Boos.


Oof. OK, so, I did that. Here’s hoping the rest of the season actually works out the way I remember. I know there’s at least 1 event in the next episode or 2 that is one of my absolute favorite things that ever ever happens ever. I am not going to say what it is now, but we will talk about it at GREAT LENGTH soon!

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